Canadian  eh!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?”
I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

---

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the film "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

---

The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown Grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.
With your elbow , hit my doorbell.
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What ... You coming empty handed?"

---

Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me.
I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife,
alotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'? "

---

FATHER DELANY AND THE DRUNK
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" the father asked.
"Yesh," the man slowly sputtered.
When they got up to the second floor, the father asked,
"Is this your floor?"
"Yesh," again the man replied.
Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn't want
to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the
one who got the man drunk. So he opened the first door he came
to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs. Lo and
behold, when the father went back outside, there was another
tramp lying on the sidewalk.
So he asked that man, "Do you live here?"
"Yesh."
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yesh."
So he did and pushed him in the same door with the first tramp.
Then the father went back downstairs, where, to his surprise,
there was another tramp.
Before the priest got to him, the tramp staggered over to a
policeman and cried out, "For God's sake, offisher, protect me
from thish man. He'sh been takin' me upstairsh and throwing me
down the fire escape all night!"

---

 Two photographers are in the men’s room at the urinal. One guy is a
Canonian and the other a Nikonian.
The Nikon guy finishes his business first. He simply zips his fly and heads for the door. As he was leaving, the Canon guy turns his head towards him and says “Excuse me, Canon photographers wash our hands when we are finished urinating”. The Nikon guy says ” I understand, but us Nikon guys don’t pee on our hands”

---

How can you tell if you have a stupid sled dog?
 It chases parked snowmobiles!

---

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.......
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room.

---

WHY DID THE SQUIRREL SLEEP ON HIS STOMACH ?
 TO KEEP HIS NUTS WARM

---

OLD MEN
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator....'
Some old men can still think fast.
"Life is a gift."

---

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge grizzly bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."
"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

---

The wife left a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's." I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works fine. WOMEN, who can understand them?

---

Where there's a will, there's a way An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be abl...e to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son.Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances

---

WANT TO BUY A TIE A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert
when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the
east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has
all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he
staggered back, almost dead & said,
"Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie!"

---

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSELesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand but, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of
you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas
,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

---

Spring Fever Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

---

Problem Dog
"I've really had it with my dog," said the first guy to his neighbor. "He'll chase anyone on a bicycle"
"Hmmm, that is a problem," said the neighbor. "What are you thinking of doing about it?"
"Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!"

---

A Nerd and His New Bike
A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, "WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'" The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

---

Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup

---

Can you believe it . . . they sent my Census form back!
In response to the question: "Do you have any dependants?" I replied - "2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crack heads; 4.4 million unemployable people, 901 thousand people in over 85 prisons; and 565 idiots in Parliament.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. Who did I miss ?

---

Church Fart
This says it all...about getting older & the whole aging thing. An elderly couple are attending church services... About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

---

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: The neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured..
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
 

---

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well,you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assemblyline for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."  Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself."  So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room,and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?"  God asks, "What do you mean?" Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention.  1. There's too much front end protrusion.  2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.  3. Maintenance is extremely high.  4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.  5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 days of every 28  6. The rear end wobbles too much.  7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.  8. The headlights are usually too small.  9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.  And that's just to name a few." "Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.  God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my design is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

---

Camping Tips
 You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
 Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
 A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
 A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
 You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
 In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
 The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
 A large chinook can be used for a pillow.
 Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be warn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."
 The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
 It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
 Effective January 1, 1998, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
 Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
 In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

---

I WANT TO LIVE FOREVER"
I met a fairy today that granted me one wish. "I want to live forever, " I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Canucks win a Stanley Cup!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

---

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a waterpark.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,Bubba and Wildman .
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

---

A man had a hunting dog for sale for an unusual amount of money. Another man interested in buying the dog asked him why he wanted so much. They took the dog to the woods. The owner told the dog to go hunt. The dog took off into the woods and came back in a couple of minutes and scratched his foot on the ground three times. The hunters went into the woods and killed three rabbits and could not find anymore.
The owner said you could hunt the woods all day and could not find any more than three rabbits. The buyer was impressed and bought the dog.
The new owner took the dog hunting the next weekend and told the dog to go find the rabbits. The dog took off into the woods and stayed gone for almost thirty minutes. When the dog returned he was humping on the man's leg, scratching the ground, and shaking a stick in his mouth. The guy thought the dog went crazy and shot him. About two weeks later he saw the previous owner and told him what had happened.
The old owner told him that the dog was trying to tell him that there were more f***ing rabbits in the woods than you could shake a stick at

---

A farmer was having problems with a bear climbing up his tree in the back yard, so he hired this guy who came very highly recommended to catch the bear.
The hunter came with a shotgun, rope, and a small dog. He gave the shotgun to the farmer and said, "Stay down here and I'll climb the tree, and shake the branches. When the bear falls, my dog will bite on his nuts, and while the bear is in agony, I'll come down and tie him up with the rope. Okay?"
The farmer nodded his head and asked, "But what is the shotgun for?"
The hunter replied, "Well, sometimes I fall off the tree. In that case, shoot the dog - fast!"

---

A woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart associate standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway.
He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

---

A game warden stops a duck hunter at the end of a days hunt and asks to check his birds. The hunter says sure go right ahead. The warden picks up the first duck puts his finger up it's ass and smells it and says, "This is a Utah duck. Do you have a Utah license?" The man pulls out his wallet and shows him his Utah license.
The warden picks up the second duck puts his finger up its ass, smells it and says, "This is a Wyoming duck. Do you have a Wyoming license?" The man shows him his Wyoming license.
The warden then picks up the third duck sticks his finger up its ass and says, "This here is a Colorado duck. Do you have a Colorado hunting license?" The hunter shows him his Colorado hunting license.
The game warden says, "You sure do carry a lot of hunting licenses with you. Where you from anyway?"
The hunter drops his drawers bends over and says, "You're so damn smart, you tell me!"

---

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe’s first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob’s lead.
Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet!
After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.
Joe said "There was this snake and he slithered across my feet, but I never screamed.
Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed."
"So then what did make you scream," Bob asked, exasperated. "Well," Joe continued, "two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat ’em now?

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Fishing Jokes >> Catching many fish
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

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Fishing Jokes >> Catching the bear
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

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Have you hear the one about the Atheist and The Grizzly Bear?
An atheist is out walking in the woods when he turns a corner and encounters a large bear. The atheist turns and runs, and the grizzly gives chase. The man trips, and the bear is upon him, its teeth bared, its paws ready to strike.
The man screams, “Ohmygod!“
Suddenly, time stops. A brilliant light parts the forest gloom. A voice from the light booms, “You deny my very existence, and yet in your moment of need you call upon me? Don’t you see how hypocritical that is?”
The man says, “I do, oh Lord. And since it probably wouldn’t be right to suddenly treat me as a Christian, could you at least turn the bear into one?”
“Very well,” says the voice.
Time resumes. The bear is again looming over the man, ready to strike. But before it does, it kneels, folds its paws in prayer and says, “Oh, Lord, thank you for the food I am about to receive …”

---

A Dozen True Complaints Received by Forest Rangers
These complaints are of the sort that make Will and Guy laugh, sometime out loud. You just couldn't make them up; yet, on the other hand the things that people moan about are unbelievable.
A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed?
Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse.
Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
Need more signs to keep area pristine.
A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead.
Too many rocks in the mountains.
The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

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FISH'N - WHEN ANGLERS Meet: "Hiyamac""Lobuddy""Binearlong?""Coplours""Cetchenny?""Goddafew""Kindarthay?""Chumntrout""Ennysizetoom?""Couplapowns""Hittinhard?""Sordalike""Wachoosen? ""Gobbaeggs""Fishanonaboddum?""Rydononaboddum""Whatchadrinkin?""Jugajimbeam""Igoddago""Tubad""Seeyaroun""Yeahtakideezy""Guluck"

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HOCKEY Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Sweden.' The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'  The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Sweden might you be'? The other guy answers, 'I'm from Stockholm, I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!' 'Sure and begorra.. And what street did you live on in Stockholm The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was.
I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.' The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'? The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.' The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And
so did I. Tell me, what  year did you graduate'? The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1984.' The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1984 my own self!' About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'  Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'? 'The Sedin twins are pissed again.'

---

HOCKEY A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.
Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."

---

HOCKEY St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ice between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "We've got all the referees."

---

HOCKEY A hockey hooligan appeared in court charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting officer, giving evidence, stated that the accused had thrown something into the canal.
"What exactly was it that he threw into the canal" asked the magistrate.
"Stones, sir."
"Well, that's hardly an offence is it?"
"It was in this case, sir," said the police officer. "Stones was the referee".

---

HOCKEY Three Canadians and three Americans were traveling to a hockey game.
The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asks an American.
Watch and you'll see," says a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,
"Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.
How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American.
"Watch and you'll see," replies a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.
Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!

---

HOCKEY  A hockey player is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks,
" Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
" I got it for my wife, eh" answers Bob.
" Oh!" exclaims Doug, " Good trade."

---

Little Larry   
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'  After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.  The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'  
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' 

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.  'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.  
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.  
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?' 

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.  She called on him and said, 'Larry!  What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'  
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!' 

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.  One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the policeman.  'The detectives want very badly to capture him.  
Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" 

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.  He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.  
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'  
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.  
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....' 

---

INTERVIEW WITH DR CHANG
[NOW I'M NOT GOING TO CHANGE A THING LOL]
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

---

CANADIAN JOKE #1
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.


The safest place in Canada!

CANADIAN JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer
for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

CANADIAN JOKE #3
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (i.e., a Newfoundlander) He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?".
"Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."
The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anaesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

CANADIAN JOKE #4
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

CANADIAN JOKE #5
In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

CANADIAN JOKE #6
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American
fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

CANADIAN JOKE #7
A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.

CANADIAN JOKE #8
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the
other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

---

HOCKEY  -- I BELIEVE
Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux and Steve Yzerman all die and meet in heaven. God is sitting in his chair waiting for them. God says to the three legends, gentleman before I let you in, you must tell me what you believe. "Mario we'll start with you, in what do you believe?" "I believe hockey is the greatest thing in the world and the best sport in history" To that god says "take the seat to my left" God then turns to Steve and says, "Steven, in what do you believe?" To which Steve replies "I believe to be the best, you've got to give every ounce you've got!" To that god says "take the seat to my Right" God then turns to number 99 and says "Wayne, tell me what do you believe?" To which Wayne replies I believe you are sitting in my seat

The End - Eh?

---

---

Camping Tips...
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

---

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

---

Homeland Security
by Kent B. Van Cleave
George W. Bush was bragging to Russian President Putin. "Our Homeland Security measures have been so effective that we are now terrorist-free!"
"Come, now, George," Putin laughed. "Surely you exaggerate!"
"No, not at all. I'll tell you what. The first three terrorists you see, you can shoot them yourself, and you can have my job to boot!"
The very next day on his way to fly home, Putin spotted four men holding a group of people at gunpoint, taking their belongings, making dire threats to all who offered resistance. The Russian president quickly put a stop to it as Bush had suggested.
The headline for the morning's Washington Post read, "Slavic Man Claims He's President, Shoots Four FAA Security Guards."

---

---

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

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When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
 

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Cooking Jokes and Humor
A couple had been married fifteen years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Honey, your butt is getting big. I bet it is as big as the gas grill now." The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size!"
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey?" How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked. She replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie, do you?"

---

Peanut butter & jam
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

---

A Proper Goldfish Burial
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to he politely asked "what are you up to there tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully. without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, " That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

---

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."
Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.

---

False Teeth
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more paid of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker.

---

DEFINITION OF A MEAN FARTER -- FARTS IN BED AND PULLS THE COVERS OVER HIS WIFE'S HEAD ( AKA THE DUTCH OVEN)

---

BARBERSHOP
A really good-looking girl was giving a man a manicure in the
barber shop.
  "How about a date when you finish work?" he asked.
  "I can't" she replied, "I am married."
  "So call up you husband and tell him you're going to visit a
sick girlfriend," said the man.
  "Why don't you tell him yourself" said the girl, "he's the one
shaving you."

---

Seniors Joke
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then . . .
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

---

What's the difference between a lawyer and mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die!

---

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am a real estate broker who, through a curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman said, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a real estate broker!”
The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a real estate broker!

---

A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST AGENTS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST COMMISSIONS.'
The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

---

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."

---

Bloke walks into a butcher's. Butcher says, "Bet you a tenner that you
can't jump up and touch the meat that's hung up on the ceiling with
your hand."
Bloke says, "No thanks."
Butcher says, "OK, bet you twenty quid that you can't jump up and hit
the meat that's hung up on the ceiling."
Bloke says, "No thanks mate."
Butcher says, "OK, OK, I'll give you a hundred quid if you can do it."
Bloke says, "No thanks mate, the steaks are too high."

---

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

---

What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? Shoe!

---

BAD AIR FLIGHT
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard So-So Airline flight 602 from New York to Punta Cana. We are currently flying at a eight of 35,000 feet going South the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
 

---

Pray for McDonalds
A Mother and her five year old son were headed to McDonald's one day. On the way they passed a car accident.
As was the tradition when they see something terrible like that, they say a prayer for those who might be hurt.
The mother pointed and said to her son, "We should pray."
From the back seat she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

---

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.

A proctologist is the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the
bottom and stays there.

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases. One proctologist
tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers. The other proctologist looked really amazed and asked, "Where did those flowers come from?" The other proctologist answered very cooly, "How should I know. There wasn't any card!!"

A proctologist pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it
and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen."

---

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient
castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone
in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all
those years."
"Well," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord
I have."

---

A pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?" And the pirate says...
"Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!"

---

The gynecologist
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place.

---

Lawyer dies and goes to heaven
A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Lawyers."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving
children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian
orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he
agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now take a hike!"

---

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

---

Weight Loss for Men
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.

---

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.[Steve Martin]

---

I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells. [Richard Pryor]

Freebase? What's free about it?!  [Richard Pryor]

---

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is that about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think that next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly." [Jerry Seinfeld]

---

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!" [Jerry Seinfeld]

---

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. [Rita Rudner]

---

GEORGE CARLIN
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

---

The Vegas Hooker
A guy is strolling along Vegas Strip when a stunning hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much?"
The Hooker replies, "$500 for a hand-job." The guy's jaw drops: "$500 dollars, For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Hard Rock cafe on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Hard Rock about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Cafe?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
The Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that."
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. See that casino just across the street? I own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the pension savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

---

The Confession
Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"

---

Don't Force Men to Shop
This is why women should not take men shopping
against their will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men; he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women; she loved to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart :
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official sounding voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right way."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While carelessly handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least ..
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart
Patti Barber, Office Supervisor IAccounting Unit, Behavioral Health Services

---

Bill Holbrook, the janitor at the wealthiest church in town,
ordered some cleaning supplies from the hardware store. When they arrived, the driver asked Bill to sign for them. Bill went into the pastor’s office and asked the pastor to sign for them. Puzzled, the pastor told Bill to sign for them.
“I can’t,” said Bill. “I can’t read or write.”
“Well,” replied the pastor, “I’m going to have to let you go, Bill. I’m sorry but we can’t have a janitor that can’t read or write.”
Bill started walking home, wondering how he was going to tell his wife the bad news, when he reached for his pipe and found he had run out of tobacco. He searched the neighborhood looking for a tobacco shop but could find none. And then he got an idea. When he got home, he told his wife he was going to open a tobacco shop.
The venture was so successful that Bill soon opened another, and then another until in ten years he was opening his one
hundredth tobacco shop.
A feature writer from USA Today came to interview Bill on this great occasion. When she had finished the interview
she asked Bill if he’d like to read over her notes.
“Yes, I would like to”, said Bill “but I can’t read or write.”
“My Gosh”, said the young lady. “You’ve accomplished so much. Just imagine what you’d be if you could read and write!”
“Yes,” smiled Bill. “I’d be the janitor in a church.”

---

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

---

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

---

Beware of Dog  L.B. Weinstein
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.
"That's him," comes the reply.
"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

---

Customer Service
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this
one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers
we all love!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." Submitted by Glaci Edited by BreeBrown

---

Blow-up dolls
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I
nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"

---

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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"What kind of murderer has moral fibre?" — "A cereal killer."

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An old Indian was sittin' on a bench in 100 mile house and a Texan came by. You know my property in Texas is so big it takes me a day to ride across it on my horse. The old Indain looks at him and says "geezh I gotta horsh like dat too cowboy!"

---

A pharmacist goes to a nursing home to review an elderly customer. As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty.
He says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back.

---

The Photographer
A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather one morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made the daily trek to the elementary school. As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother was worried that her daughter would be frightened walking back home from school, and she herself feared the electrical storm might cause her harm. Following each roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword. Being very concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to the school.
Soon she saw her small child walking along. The thunder would boom, and then, at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look and smile. One followed another, each time with her child stopping, looking up at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called out and asked, "Honey, what are you doing?" Her little girl answered, "God keeps taking pictures of me!"

---

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

---

"As you know, the government takes 40 percent of what you make. The other 60 percent, of course, taken by the gas stations." -- Jay Leno

---

---

Postman
It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, and freshly squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, 'Screw him, give him a fiver.'"
The lady smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

---

Cheap Flower Delivery
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card.
It said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,
The florist said:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location'."

---

Worlds Greatest Salesman

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best.
The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man.
The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man.
The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to a blonde lady.
The other two said, so what? The third salesman added, along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold her one hundred pounds of bird seeds!!!!!

---

What does a Toyota and Tiger Woods have in common?

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Fish'n Joke
Two morons rent a boat and go fishing.They ...
Two morons rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.
2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot.
1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

---

Fish'n Joke
Man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Alberta with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house topick my things up. Oh Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas! like I asked you to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

---

Dentist Joke
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

---

Plumber Joke
"Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet? Right now the cops have nothing to go on....."

---

Marriage Jokes
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !

---

Someone died playing golf
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

---

Ten years on a deserted island -- Golf Joke
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

---

Prosecutor Joke
A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically. The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?" The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?"

---

BANKING JOKE
this guy walks into the bank and up to the teller -- give me a fucking chequing account - I beg your pardon sir - give me a fucking chequing account - sorry we dont tolerate that kind of language I'll have to get the manager. Manager -- what seems to be the problems sir - I just won 50 million dollars and i want to open a fucking chequing account - manager - is this bitch giving you trouble sir?

---

PRIEST SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

---

DOCTOR JOKE
Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.
Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."

---

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

---

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Golfaholic
Your a GOLFaholic if...
*You think that some day you'll shoot your age, when a more realistic goal would be to shoot your weight!
*You know there's more to life than golf, but your'e not interested in finding out what it is!
*You quit the game forever, twice a month!
*You buy every new golf gizmo that comes out!
*You think you're skillful and everybody else is lucky!
*You miss the ball, but still think it was a great swing!
*The new clubs you just bough cost more than your mortgage and car payment combined!
*You can't break a 100 but still think you could give Tiger a few tips!

---

Dog Joke
Top ten reasons why a dog is better than a woman
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

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Police Joke
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

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Top Reasons You know you're addicted to Craigslist:
You post to RnR and then check back every 10 minutes to see if anyone has responded to your post
You check the M4W or W4M to see if anyone meets your standards. They don?t.
You constantly check the free section to see if anyone has posted a better-looking couch.
You think you "know" people with names like Barnfart and I-Heart-Chicken-Butts
You could furnish your whole apartment on craigslist
You are annoyed when office work takes you away from reading the ETC. jobs
You think sending someone a copy of a CL listing is a valid form or personal interaction.
Your e-mail is shoved full of post/edit/delete messages and you?re too afraid to delete them because, even though they?ve expired, you might want to repost them

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Lawyer's Consultation fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

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Fisherman John asked his wife, Mary, what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asked."Not really," said Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" said John. "No," she responded. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggested. She again rejected his offer. "Well what would you like for our anniversary?" John asked. "John, I'd like a divorce," answered Mary. "Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," said John

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Judge Joke -- The judge said to his dentist: “Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”

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Don't worry about the bottles (SOCCER) At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator. suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.' 'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker

golf anyone? The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members."Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"