Environmental Quiz
Tony Eberts
  For many decades, B.C. governments have had environment ministers, but since none of them ever did anything for the environment, our current edition has been renamed the Minister of Water, Land and Air Protection. In this way we are supposed to suspect that the minister's job is to protect our water, land and air.
  Luckily for tradition, however, this pleasant yet poorly qualified person, Joyce Murray, maintains historical standards by doing nothing whatever on behalf of water, land and air or, combined, the environment. In fact, she has presided over the worst licking our battered environment has taken since B.C. joined Confederation.
  No doubt this pleases traditionalists (to say nothing of industrialists), but puts Pacific salmon, grizzly bears, nature lovers, park users, spotted owls, old growth forests, fishermen, wolves and our children and grandchildren in an unhappy position.
  So--here's my idea: What about having the person in charge of protecting water, land and air (the environment) actually doing something to protect our water, land and air (the environment)? This would require taking Mrs. Murray by the hand and patiently explaining to her that she should no longer be tacitly approving actions producing foul water and air, or threatening the existence of native fish and wildlife, or turning whole watersheds into stump-fields. This would have to done gently, so as not to shock her too much.
  Then, perhaps, the dear lady could be told that Premier Campbell's record-sized cabinet already has a plethora of ministers clearly in favor of pollution of all kinds, plus industrial ventures that denigrate an impressive range of fish and wildlife and change forests into mud-holes. It might be made clear to her that this important work being done by her colleagues leaves her clear to start thinking about environmental protection.
  True, it would lessen her chances of fat donations to her next election campaign, but it could have her wheezing less when she climbs stairs and might allow her children the chance to go salmon fishing or at least to buy salmon steaks that haven't been produced in a soup of crap and chemicals and artificially colored.
  And just in case Mrs. Murray wants to test her aptitude for this new approach, I offer this little quiz. Please answer True or False.
  (1) Provincial parks are places to collect camping and other fees and for foxy wheeler-dealers to set up cheesy businesses to fleece captive audiences.
  (2) Conservation is just a common weakness that gets in the way of ripping off natural resources.
  (3) Most tourists come to B.C. for the theatre, dance, opera and lousy professional sports.
  (4) "Wildlife Management" means getting rid of natural predators so game guides and outfitters can peddle moose-on-the-hoof to well-heeled and well-armed foreigners.
  (5) Trout are slimy things that swim around in streams waiting for the next logging road wash-out to make the water nice and thick.
  (6) Wild salmon are a threat to multi-national fish-farmers' profits and should be eliminated.
  (7) The forest industry is very important, so we should get on with exporting raw logs and other measures to wipe out all our big trees as quickly as possible.
  (8) "The Outdoors" is that uncontrolled blank space between you and your SUV.
  (9) The Kyoto Accord is a communist plot aimed at undermining public confidence in the value of pollution.
  (10) A sense of humor is a political handicap.
  NOW--check your score, Mrs. Murray. If you answered "True" to no more than half of the statements, we might expect big improvements in safeguarding the environment. If you answered "True" to all the items, you will likely be promoted by the premier. But if you said "False" to more than five, your days in Cabinet are numbered.